Everything’s happening in cycles lately; one minute, I genuinely feel like there’s nowhere else I should be than right here, right now (right now? Sitting on my bed in old sweatpants and a robe and mismatching socks, wishing all my bedding wasn’t still in the dryer because it’s cold but also feeling thankful for this time to myself after a real long day). In these moments, I see the next five, ten (?) years of my life laid out in my head. A perfect, linear sequence. One thing after another.
But I don’t usually feel so sure. Most of the time I wonder if we all make decisions to feel better about or to defend other ones–to build up some kind of a reality in our heads that might not actually exist. Ever. For anybody. I hate this cycle.
I finally made a New Year’s resolution for myself the other day, even though it’s almost a month late. I really want to figure out a way to balance out the academic, professional, and social aspects of my life (is it even fair to say that there is a social aspect to my life anymore?) because I can never seem to tend to more than one of them at once. I’ll get caught up on my homework, but only if I become a hermit and ignore everybody I care about. And vice-versa. There are rare times–when the planets and the stars align–where I manage to adequately tend to all three for a day and I feel great. But today, I did nothing but glaze through pages upon pages of theory, type out post after post, and jot down reminder after reminder to make sure I don’t forget that my life is dominated by academia tomorrow…and the day after…and the day after…
Most days are like today, but I do have lots to look forward to.
“I have lost something. But you know what? It’s never too late to get it back.”