I woke up this morning, hours before my alarm was set to go off, and wondered why I felt so awful. Then it all came back to me in a rush–a stupid sequence of moments from just a few hours before. I wanted nothing more than to forget that it had all happened, but I knew the rest of my day would be consumed by it all. I felt bad for my 10 o’clock tutoring appointment (luckily, I found out once I got there that she had rescheduled). I prepared for a day of fighting off the sick feeling in my stomach and accepted that I would likely not have the focus to get anything accomplished.
And maybe this blog post will be the only record I have of accomplishing anything at all today. Still, I like to think that the day is ending a lot better than it started–that, although there might not be a record of it, I accomplished more in those empty minutes at the office, switching my attention from blinking-green-cell-phone light to empty wall and back, than I have in a long time. I was working through a problem–a big problem–in my head. And it eventually hit me after staring and thinking and talking to friends and wanting to punch a hole through the wall: some things are just worth having days like this over.
By the time class got out tonight, my mind had been distracted just long enough by confusing conversations about composing theory and theoretical frameworks that I was able to look back at the past 24 hours or so and make an attempt to reflect (rather than to panic). And all I could think about was how thankful I am…both for the people who made it a point to make sure I was “okay” today, and for Craig, who cares enough and is invested enough in what we have to make me realize that I was about to make a huge mistake by giving up. He got me, the perfectionist, to accept the fact that nothing is perfect. Even the things we idealize in our heads. It’s impossible. But it’s okay, too.
So I am feeling incredibly lucky, for once, to be in a relationship where I can see that he’s not afraid to communicate. Guys are notoriously awful communicators, and that’s been my experience as well, but Craig is the opposite. When I shut down, he gives me space but asks me to talk it out later…when I’m the lost silence on one end of the phone conversation, he’s saying all the right things…and when I tell him we need to work on something, he’s willing to work on it (together). I guess I don’t feel like I’ve ever had that, or at least never been able to fully appreciate having that, in any relationship I’ve ever been in.
There’s so much more to this that I can’t even articulate. All in all, I’m thankful for so much: for reality checks, for friends who care, for second (third?) chances, for a relationship that has weaknesses but is stronger than ever, and (while I hope not to have another one like this for a long time) for days like today.