I’m starting to lean towards big life decisions (probably because I’ve been doing a lot of driving lately, and I do my best thinking while I’m on the road). Mostly, I think I am going to drop out of grad school after this semester. Of course, I haven’t completely decided on this just yet, but I’m leaning toward it more and more lately. There are a lot of reasons for this and maybe now would be a good time for me to justify some of those to myself:
Mainly, I’m just really uncertain about the program I’m in right now. Hell, I can’t even decide between the two different concentrations of the program. At first, I wanted to teach…then I thought maybe professional writing would be better…now I’m not really thrilled about either. I’d just feel better about being in school if I was confident about my reasons for being there.
So why rush? I’m still young; I just turned 22. Maybe I should take a breath and be happy that I got my Bachelor’s degree. It’s not like I don’t have the rest of my life to go back to school if I decide it’s what I really want. Not to mention, I’m pretty happy and comfortable working as a freelancer…have been for a while, actually. There’s no reason as to why I couldn’t make a good living off of doing that, at least until I decide to get a big girl job.
Of course, I also can’t ignore the fact that being with Craig would be a hell of a lot easier if I weren’t in school AND working about forty hours a week. It would be nice to be doing one or the other…I realized, while working at the publishing company this summer, that I actually kinda like working full time. Getting a real paycheck. But trying to do that while also taking three classes and constantly driving all over the place to develop a relationship I’m very invested in is seeming to be a little more than I can take right now.
It’s stupid, though, that one of the biggest things I’m afraid of is telling people I’m dropping out. I imagine the conversation with my mom and dad…and that might not actually be so awful. But for some reason, the thought of telling people at school terrifies me. I would hate to break the news to Bill, who I am working for as part of my assistantship. I would hate for the people who wrote me recommendation letters to see that I’m dropping out. But at the same time, it’s my life…my decision.
I guess what I keep telling myself is that, regardless of what decision I ultimately make regarding grad school, I’ll do just fine. I’m not worried about that. I’m more worried about what other people will say and about abandoning such a big commitment, but those are both things I can get over. Or maybe I will get over this whole thing about wanting to drop out in the first place. I don’t know. I still need to give it until the end of this semester, at least. Right now, it’s just so hard to care.
On the drive home from Auburn early this morning, I was feeling really good about all of this. I was thankful for the dark, quiet drive and the time it gave me to think. I felt like I really got somewhere. Each drive home makes everything a little more clear. I was listening to the new Mountain Goats album while thinking about all of this, and a couple of lines jumped out at me. And the timing of it all…I just don’t think can be explained by coincidence.
Woke up on lockdown one more time/my visions won’t ever learn
But I see the light that much clearer/every time I return.