if you don’t stop those self-defeating lies you’ve been repeating–

Bummer. I started writing something last night, fell asleep while writing it, and it got deleted when I restarted my computer at work today. I don’t think it was anything super profound, anyway.

Yesterday, I stopped on my way home to buy a new journal because I realized that I’m about out of pages in the one I have now. I get the same feeling every time I have to go out and buy a new journal; it’s a little depressing but more so just really satisfying. I’ve kept this one since I was eighteen, so I started it over three years ago. At the time, I was living in Southgate with Ashley and about to move to Sandusky for the summer. That thing has traveled with me just about everywhere since, so it’s a little bittersweet but also kind of awesome to look back at where I was in my life on this exact point in 2009, 2010, 2011. I’m a total believer that “the unexamined life is not worth living,” (Socrates, Plato’s Apology) and so buying a new journal was a sort of like a promise to myself to keep on documenting, analyzing, and examining every aspect of everything. It’s the one thing I’ll do for sure until the day I die.

Anyway, things are finally winding down at H-M, which means I should be able to go back to being “self-employed” by this time next week, if all goes well. Don’t get me wrong…I have loved my job working as a proofreader this summer. Working in publishing is something that I never really considered before April-ish, but at this point I could actually see myself working in the field as a career. At the same time, though, I’ve kept it in the back of my mind that this is likely one of my last real “summers,” so I’d like to enjoy all the free time that I can. I want to keep traveling; everyone who knows me says I travel so much as it is, but I don’t feel like I have been to half the places I had hoped to make it to this summer. The way I see it, though, I still have time. About a month and a half, if I could hit the road next week.

I had a really great weekend and am looking forward to what will hopefully be another one. In the meantime, I’m just trying to pass the time…

On Monday morning, I found myself feeling weaker than I have been in a long time. I broke down at work (thank God for having a job where I can cower in my cubicle and avoid contact with just about everyone without repercussion) over a bunch of things. More than ever, I’ve been questioning the path I’ve chosen for myself–at least in terms of my schooling/career. Yes, I am proud of myself for getting into grad school and especially for being offered an assistantship, but lately (and this was what my blog post yesterday was actually about) I feel like I’m so out of place in the program. I feel like I’ve been handed (handed? is that the right word for it? probably not.) something that I don’t deserve. I can’t pretend to be thrilled for September to roll around. In fact, if it weren’t for my assistantship and the training I’ve already been through, I would probably pack up and move to Kentucky by the end of August. Maybe even sooner.

I’m not sure exactly what it is, either. When I was applying for grad school and these assistantships, I had never been more sure of anything in my life. Now, though, I can’t figure out whether I’ve just reached a state of total complacency with where I’m at or if it’s the fact that I sometimes can’t stand being a five-hour drive away from Craig. Either way, something’s changed over the course of the past few months that’s making me dread the new school year. It probably also doesn’t help that I’m torn between the Teaching of Writing and Professional Writing concentrations of my program. Or am I even in the right program at all?

Still, I know I have to keep focused. Could I drop all my classes and probably still be successful in a career in English? At this point, I’m 100% sure that I could. But I want to be more than that if I can, and I know that I’m fully capable. My mom is throwing a graduation get-together for me this weekend, and while I am looking forward to seeing family, I don’t really see the point. I should be proud that I am the first person in my family to graduate from college, and I guess to an extent I kind of am, but I know that I can do more. So maybe I will start school in September and absolutely love it. Maybe not. Regardless, I know I have to give it a shot.

So anyway…breaking down yesterday. I snapped out of it pretty quickly. All it took was me thinking of everything I’ve gotten through over the course of the past six months or so. And going back to the “never doubt yourself’ mantra that I always seem to forget. I felt a hundred times better afterwards. I need to stop forgetting that.

I’m going to look at a house tomorrow and I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much about it, but it seems like it might be exactly what I’m looking for. It’s a three-bedroom in Ann Arbor, and the best part about it is that it’s a month-to-month lease. A lot of the other places I’m finding in the area are asking for a commitment of at least 12 months, which would leave me stranded in the Ann Arbor/Ypsi area next summer. I have no idea where I’ll be at that time or if I’ll even want to spend the summer here, so just knowing that I have the option to leave at would be worth everything. Not to mention, the house seems like it’s in a perfect location; right on the Ann Arbor/Ypsi border. This way, it’s still only a 15-minute drive from EMU’s campus, but it’s not in the ghetto of Ypsi. I wanted to try and stay in Ann Arbor if I could, and I think it works out well that this house isn’t right downtown like the one I’m at now is. As much as I love being a few minute walk to downtown right now, I feel like it’d be a little too hectic for me in the fall.

Fingers crossed.

Here are pictures from the past week…I’ve been slacking.

My Aveo buddy at work! Still have no idea who this is.

Decrepit cat that lives next door and likes to hang out in our front lawn.

Got to visit Boo Boo last Wednesday. I miss him.

It kinda looks like he stole the camera and took a picture of himself here. In reality, he was just attacking the camera and his claw got stuck in the lens.