yes it’s true that I believe I’m weaker than I used to be

My mood has been constantly ebbing and flowing for the past month or so. On some days, things couldn’t possibly be any better and I am at the point of happy tears–other times, I want nothing more than I curl up in my bed and give up on every ambition I’ve ever had. Today was one of those days that could have gone either way; I didn’t get back in town until 1 this morning after making some time-consuming but totally necessary stops on the way back from Louisville. I had work to finish up when I got home, which I somehow pushed through and got to bed around 2:30.

I figured I would be miserable at work today, but the second I walked outside this morning, I was instantly convinced otherwise. Amazing what sunshine and sixty-degree temps can do, even if I did spend most of the day in a cubicle. I even treated myself to lunch, though I usually feel weird eating at a sit-down place by myself. I didn’t care today. I drove the whole way home with my window down and walked straight upstairs to my room that, for once, didn’t feel like a sauna. I slept like a baby for way longer than I meant to–not because I was feeling miserable (which is usually why I sleep during the day)–but because I was just so goddamned comfortable. I was comfortable in the sense that it wasn’t ninety degrees in my room and that I knew I had absolutely no obligations for the rest of the night (except going for a run, but the crazy thing about that is that I actually look forward to running these days).

I ran farther this evening than I think I ever have; over three miles in a half an hour, which is a huge improvement over where I was last month. I think the nice weather had something to do with it because I hardly broke a sweat until the last five minutes or so. My left leg is sore now, which I think is a sign that I really need to go out and buy a legitimate pair of running shoes. I should make that a goal for tomorrow, along with going grocery shopping. I want to eventually run a marathon. Hell, even a 5K. I need to recruit someone to do this with me.

And then there’s now; the sun is down and it’s actually kind of cold in here and I’m thinking about bed even though I’m not tired. I feel weak again. Overly-dependent. Like I care too much about people who aren’t me. Like my life is not my own. Hopeless. Even more hopeless for admitting it. Right now, I regret that I am going to grad. school in the fall. I think if it weren’t for my assistantship (which most people would be thankful to have but right now I’m seeing as more of an inconvenience), I think I probably wouldn’t go. I’d be content with a full-time job; I’ve enjoyed working in publishing a lot more than I would have anticipated, and I clearly didn’t need a Master’s degree to get into that.

I want a life.

Of course, this will all pass–or at least get pushed to the back of my mind. I will go to grad. school, and I will defend every choice I’ve made. But eventually, there are some recurring issues that I will need to confront, and the sooner the better.

Anyway, pictures…in no real logical order:

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I discovered last week that playing on the swings is the perfect post-run reward for myself.

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Friday was “Bring Your Dog to Work” day!

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On the way to surprise my sister.

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Derby…soooo cute.

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“So all of these bottles were already about empty, but look at this. We look like alcoholics.” – My dad

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I sleep in my sister’s room when I visit Louisville, and before I fell asleep on Saturday, I noticed (among dozens of other stuffed animals on her bed), that she still has the stuffed monkey in the purple dress that I gave her in 2009 before I moved away. I had given it to her because it was my favorite stuffed animal growing up (ironically named Maggie), but it meant a lot to actually see it on her bed…especially considering she must literally have hundreds of stuffed animals.

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That drawing taped to the door looks familiar 🙂

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I can’t believe how big and smart she’s getting. She schooled me in chess.

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I took this picture because I think these are the same ducks Addison and I saw by the pond when I visited last summer (only they were babies then).

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And of course, can’t pass through Cincinnati without making a quick stop here…

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To ride this.

 

Finally, I came across this quote in a book I was proofing at work today, and it made me happy:

“”The act of writing always begins in nowhere, in the void of the blank page, and arrives (hopefully) at somewhere, and what is made visible on the page becomes a small testament to the human experience as creatures of a special gift.”

 

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