My mood has been constantly ebbing and flowing for the past month or so. On some days, things couldn’t possibly be any better and I am at the point of happy tears–other times, I want nothing more than I curl up in my bed and give up on every ambition I’ve ever had. Today was one of those days that could have gone either way; I didn’t get back in town until 1 this morning after making some time-consuming but totally necessary stops on the way back from Louisville. I had work to finish up when I got home, which I somehow pushed through and got to bed around 2:30.
I figured I would be miserable at work today, but the second I walked outside this morning, I was instantly convinced otherwise. Amazing what sunshine and sixty-degree temps can do, even if I did spend most of the day in a cubicle. I even treated myself to lunch, though I usually feel weird eating at a sit-down place by myself. I didn’t care today. I drove the whole way home with my window down and walked straight upstairs to my room that, for once, didn’t feel like a sauna. I slept like a baby for way longer than I meant to–not because I was feeling miserable (which is usually why I sleep during the day)–but because I was just so goddamned comfortable. I was comfortable in the sense that it wasn’t ninety degrees in my room and that I knew I had absolutely no obligations for the rest of the night (except going for a run, but the crazy thing about that is that I actually look forward to running these days).
I ran farther this evening than I think I ever have; over three miles in a half an hour, which is a huge improvement over where I was last month. I think the nice weather had something to do with it because I hardly broke a sweat until the last five minutes or so. My left leg is sore now, which I think is a sign that I really need to go out and buy a legitimate pair of running shoes. I should make that a goal for tomorrow, along with going grocery shopping. I want to eventually run a marathon. Hell, even a 5K. I need to recruit someone to do this with me.
And then there’s now; the sun is down and it’s actually kind of cold in here and I’m thinking about bed even though I’m not tired. I feel weak again. Overly-dependent. Like I care too much about people who aren’t me. Like my life is not my own. Hopeless. Even more hopeless for admitting it. Right now, I regret that I am going to grad. school in the fall. I think if it weren’t for my assistantship (which most people would be thankful to have but right now I’m seeing as more of an inconvenience), I think I probably wouldn’t go. I’d be content with a full-time job; I’ve enjoyed working in publishing a lot more than I would have anticipated, and I clearly didn’t need a Master’s degree to get into that.
I want a life.
Of course, this will all pass–or at least get pushed to the back of my mind. I will go to grad. school, and I will defend every choice I’ve made. But eventually, there are some recurring issues that I will need to confront, and the sooner the better.
Anyway, pictures…in no real logical order:
I discovered last week that playing on the swings is the perfect post-run reward for myself.
Friday was “Bring Your Dog to Work” day!
On the way to surprise my sister.
“So all of these bottles were already about empty, but look at this. We look like alcoholics.” – My dad
I sleep in my sister’s room when I visit Louisville, and before I fell asleep on Saturday, I noticed (among dozens of other stuffed animals on her bed), that she still has the stuffed monkey in the purple dress that I gave her in 2009 before I moved away. I had given it to her because it was my favorite stuffed animal growing up (ironically named Maggie), but it meant a lot to actually see it on her bed…especially considering she must literally have hundreds of stuffed animals.
That drawing taped to the door looks familiar 🙂
I can’t believe how big and smart she’s getting. She schooled me in chess.
I took this picture because I think these are the same ducks Addison and I saw by the pond when I visited last summer (only they were babies then).
And of course, can’t pass through Cincinnati without making a quick stop here…
To ride this.
Finally, I came across this quote in a book I was proofing at work today, and it made me happy:
“”The act of writing always begins in nowhere, in the void of the blank page, and arrives (hopefully) at somewhere, and what is made visible on the page becomes a small testament to the human experience as creatures of a special gift.”